There is this expression “holding a grudge (against …)” and it is very apt. In the realms of emotions and thoughts there are the emotions that drive people to be angry and vengeful. When these emotions are held in place, they can become black holes in the realm of your mind and become heavier as time goes by.

My reason for writing about grudges is simple, holding my grudges has helped me to move forward. Through life, even as a kid when something was too much I remembered. Each grudge is like sign on a long winding road that says “Warning, do not let this happen again!” and thus I keep an eye on certain situations.

This started with encountering bullies at school. At first I thought “oh they only do this once” and let things be. When the bullies persisted and words had no effect I stopped talking. That shift from “my parents told me not to fight” to “fuck it, now I attack” made me angry. Then the teachers only stood there so words became fists. Ever since I became very alert for similar situations. The grudge is there like a switch that has two modes, friendly or hostile.

Another grudge I hold is one against bad managers. Having worked for many employers with all kinds of management you encounter a few terrible managers. At first I did not know how to respond and I was expected to stay polite. Then I had to work for a few bad managers who even looked down on the people who did their dirty work. You can only take so much. When I was not sure I always asked “how?” and “why?” No good information, no instructions and no leadership  well time to go. I looked them straight in the eyes and I was ready to quit. Sometimes you must quit.

Sometimes people tell you that you should not hold a grudge. As much as I understand the need to forgive sometimes I cannot let certain situations happen again. If a bitter grudge is really that ill-advised, then why does it help me to avoid certain situations? Sometimes I cannot forgive and let go.

Grudges have influenced many of my choices. Some of them are like concrete giants in a narrow street.

I hold my grudges for a reason…